I don’t know how much these quotes actually belong on this website. I do know that my students began weeping and wailing when they heard I’d be taking down “the quote wall,” which had served as a testament to the wonkiness in my classroom over the past 12 years. For those 400+ students, here are the quotes. What’s particularly funny is that on the wall itself, the most risqué quotes are at the bottom. When students ask me why, I reply, “Because adults don’t like to bend over.” One day, a student said, “Not my mom. She bends over all the time.”

Well, there’s no bottom of the wall now.

Yusuf: Let’s buy a bunch of firewood and some cake.

Henry: Yesterday I found out I have body odor.

Serena: I dare myself to eat your cookie!

 Ms. Russell: I’m a complex woman.

Brandon: Sure, sure.

Oh yeah? Well if you know everything, what’s 98 plus 12?

Kendra: Your face.

Turner: Okay, your intestines are falling out. That’s serious.

 Shh! You’ll wake the teachers!

Student: I didn’t say anything!

Christopher: I’ll admit. I was saying, “Hey, what’s that in my eye?!”

Ms. Russell: It’s nice to make new friends because -

Christopher: Because you get bored looking at the same face over and over.

Weston: I want to be “necromantic” for my emotion chart picture.

When looking at the yearbook…

Cassie: We look so different.

Lily: We are different! 

Emma: I’m certain doom.

Ms. Russell: Who can think of a fruit starting with the letter “r”?

Miles: Rapple

Kai – writing a check to Billy Gruff’s Shop – in the memo section: Goat. Do not need. Fun to have.

One day, all of the students whose name started with an “R” were absent. I declared the day to be a “no-R” day. This was my Monday email, followed by the reply of one of my saucy students:

Hello Students & Families! Hee is the Humanities Homewok due on Monday, Mach 7th:

·        ead 30 minutes daily

·       Complete you Biogaphy book

·       Choose a book published befoe 1900 and secue Ms.  ussell’s approval.

·       ead chaptes 29-34 in Fom Colonies to County.

·       Complete seven questions of you choice on Check up 6 (to be eligible fo a “3”) o all ten (to be eligible fo a “4”).

·       Study fo you Vocabulay Test (Units 7-9) which will be this Fiday.

·       Memoize the thiteen counties in South Ameica fo you Geogaphy Quiz on Monday.

We’ll have a one-hou wok session this week.

obin ussell

Fifth Gade Humanities

Open Window School

By words the mind is excited and the spirit elated

Aristophanes

Ms. Russell, I am not as dumb as you think. I can tell when you forget where the ‘r’ is on your typing keyboard, you know. And I don’t know who ‘Obin Ussell’ is, nor do I know how to ‘ead’ for 30 minutes, and I don’t know when ‘Mach’ 7th is, and I don’t know what a ‘biogaphy’ book is, and I don’t know what ‘befoe 1900’ is, and I don’t know how to ‘ead’ chapters in a book called Colonies to ‘County’, and (gasp for air) you should say ‘your’ instead of ‘you’, and I am not your’ fo’ (besides, foe is spelt foe), and I don’t know what a ‘Vocabulay’ test is, and when ‘Fiday’ is, and I don’t know how to ‘memoize’ anything, and I don’t know what number ‘thiteen’ is, and I didn’t know that there were only 13 ‘counties’ in South ‘Ameica’ (wherever that is), and I didn’t know we had something called a ‘Geogaphy’ quiz. And I don’t know what a ‘one-hou’ work session is.

I didn’t know that someone named Obin Ussell taught something called Fifth Gade Humanities, either. But what doesn’t make sense is that you finally remembered where the r is on your keyboard for your quote by Aristophanes, but didn’t go back and add it in everywhere. Oh, and I never knew that there was a Chinese restaurant named Homewok. Serena

When discussing Siamese twins, a student: But if they’re separated they might each have one leg and have to be in a wheelchair.

Kendra: Well, better that than dragging your brother on a date.

Henry: I mean, what’s in a “y” really?

Jessica B., when half of the students have arrived:  There’s nobody interesting here yet.

Mr. B.: So when would you use quotation marks?

Henry: “When you’re being sarcastic.”

Ms. Russell: Lily and KK you’re my girls.

Brandon: Hey! I thought I was your…oh.

Emma: You don’t miss study buddy yet?

Ms. Russell: Actually, study buddy is kind of creeping me out right now.

Emily: Never use a big word when a diminutive one will do.

Jan 3, 2011

Brandon: I’m already bored with 2011.

Yusuf: I once tried to go to the bathroom on the boat, but it’s really hard. First you have to jump off the boat.

Weston: When do we do Living History Museum?

Lily: Look at the schedule, Stupid.

Phoebe: How do you grade yourself on voice?

Jessica: How do you grade yourself on BOYS?

Daniel: In Washington, “sun” is a swear word.

When talking about friendship, Yusuf: I noticed that almost all of the boys were wearing the same shirt yesterday.

Aliya: Yusuf, it was the play. We were all wearing the same shirt.

Yusuf: I have this bonding agent…

At recess and for the third time…

Yusuf: Mr. Barokas, when does recess start?

After Ms. Russell breaks into song: Do you know what that’s from, Mr. Barokas?

Mr. Barokas: No, but I’m guessing it’s a musical.

Maxine: Finally! My pet ran away!

Gabrielle: Hey! You almost hit my face with your elbow.

Kendra: Well, sorry.

Gabrielle: It’s fine. Fortunately, I too own an elbow.

Owen: What’s an omega sign?

Christopher: You’re an omega sign!

Ms. Russell: It’s so dark in here.

Phoebe: Well, fix it!

Mr. Barokas quoting Harry Truman…

Vivian: But it doesn’t rhyme.

Henry: Serendipity, if I can’t have it, no one can.

Daniel: Duh! It’s called obsidian, Kendra!

Kendra, while playing air guitar smoke on the water: When I start playing air guitar you know I’m bored!

When talking about jobs at biztown…

Yusuf: Can I be an airline co-pilot? They make $57.00 an hour.

Nick: Woodpeckers wrap their tongues around their brains, so that-

Gabrielle: I‘ve tried that before; it didn’t work.

Henry, after poking Blaine and Blaine pretended to die: Dude? Are you going to get up for art? Hello? Dead guys don’t blink you know.

Christina: At Petco©, fish are just 5 cents.

Phoebe: WOW! Just five cents??!!

Jessica: Then I need to get a buddy for my goldfish if I win one.

Zhao Hui: My mom killed my fish.

Everyone: What?

Zhao Hui: My mom killed my fish one day, and my dad buried it. I came home from school one day, and I asked where my fish was, and my mom said, “In the yard.”

Ms. Russell: We even have a student who writes 20 page checkups!

Serena: Is it me?

Kendra: You’ve been hanging out with Ms. Russell too long.

Mr. Barokas: Why do you say that?

Kendra: Because you are using too many weird words.

Mr. Barokas: We don’t always get to choose when we die!

Emma: My dog is 95 pounds, and he broke my bed once.

Emma to Mr. Barokas: Mr. Barokas, can I go die on the floor now?

Mr. Barokas: After school.

Daniel: Ms. Russell, did I leave my coconut in your room?

Yusuf: Be very, very, quiet. I’m going homework hunting.

Henry, whispering across a room…

Ms. Russell: Henry, if you’re going to whisper all the way across the room, it doesn’t count as whispering.

Vivian: You’re not making Ms. Russell want to keep us!

Ms. Russell: Was that a groan? That had better not have been a groan!

Serena: It was a moan.

Aliya, after Ms. Russell fixes the problem: So we’re not so doomed after all.

Ms. Russell: Weston, why are you smelling your armpits?

Weston: I’m waiting for my netbook to load!

Daniel (Note to self): Write name you idiot!!!

Ms. Russell: Pencils are a tool used by people-

Turner: Who can’t afford pens.

Aliya: It started as a normal day at school. But that all changed when Ms. Russell walked in.

Isabelle and Serena: You could even write an advice column for the fifth-grade newspaper.

Justin: I’ll give you some advice. Why don’t you wear a bag over your head?

Ms. Russell: Carter, is that your hand?

Carter: No, it’s my pizza.

Olivia M.: Oh look! It’s competitive box-stepping!

Christopher: Here, Ms. Russell – I hope this brings you smiles.

Ms. Russell: Christopher, you know what brings me smiles.

Will: Actually, only one smile – because she only has one face.

Maddie: Friends are like snowflakes. If you pee on them, they go away.

Ayana: Look, Ms. Russell! I made a noose! Isn’t it lovely?

Will: There’s no excuse branch…I mean, executive branch.

Ayana: Eli, put that back! That’s Annabelle’s.

Ms. Russell: Eli, do you have something that doesn’t belong to you?

Eli: Not anymore.

Olivia: I DO tie my shoes. The laces are just so long. I’m not gainsaying you, Ms. Russell.

Ms. Russell: Do you know what the building is called where the minister’s family lives?

Seth: The House of Burgesses?

Gannon: Well, spell “virulent” and maybe I’ll tell you.

Elle: I take prisoners.

Ms. Russell: Annabelle, I need you to make a list of all–

Elle: The kinds of llamas.

Ms. Russell: Okay, you worthless pieces of garbage.

Sarah S.: We’re not garbage!

Ms. Russell: Elle, guess what I’m going to ask you to do?

Elle: Octopus!

Ms. Russell: What are all of you?

Students: Putty in your hands.

Will: Except me. I’m Silly Putty in your hands.

Olivia: If I wore it with tights, my “diggin’ soccer” shirt could be my prom dress!

Ms. Russell: “Did you enjoy P.E.?”

Bharathrham: “Hopefully.”

Emily: “I wonder what the oldest name in the world is.”

Lexie: “Tom.”

Jackson: “You smell fabulous.”

Emily: “Um, dot dot dot.”

“It’s an omen.”

Mr. Barokas: “Hey! Fourth Grade IAs – a wig’s run amok.”

Ms. Russell: “This week you have to read 31 minutes a day because—”

Colin: “Times are hard.”

Ms. Russell: “Someday Michael, you’ll be in my class and we can sing all day long!”

Michael: “Oh geez.”

After Ms. Russell mis-used Head’s Up 7 Up:

Elise: “Uh…I think I forgot how to play this game.”

In response to Isaac’s wig:

“It looks like you just put a ribbon on a ferret.”

Isaac: “That’s ‘good cop, bad cop’ but without the ‘good cop’.”

“What was that?!?”

Isaac: “My body.”

Fiona: “Are we traveling ‘squished class’?”

Ms. Russell (in her Chicago accent circa 1933): “Do you think my Chicago accent would scare the second-graders?”

Jessica: “Yes! It’s scaring me right now!”

Colin: “Help Maxwell run his lines – it’s ‘oh yeah?’.”

Ms. Russell: Emily, I love your fleece vest. It’s so soft.

Emily: It’s L.L. Bean – get your own.

Ms. Russell to class: Why are you all still here?

Jacob: It’s only 3:25 Ms. Russell.

Elise: My pudding! Back off lady!

Lexie: I do want to see my birth parents. I want to see if they have hyper-extension and nose-flaring powers.

Kai: Let’s put it this way. I’m the kind of kid who’ll say, ‘Jessica, come here so I can slap you.’

Ms. Russell: During ITBS, we’ll have a special visitor.

Serena: Who? Justin Bieber?

Cleo: I thought quandary meant Tuesday.

Serena, during Colonial Boston: Ms. Russell, do you know where my house went?

Weston, leering at her: I ate it…!

Weston: Why is one part of this plant white, and the other green?

Ms. Russell: Why do birds suddenly appear out of the sky whenever you are near? I don’t know.

Yusuf: ‘Cause they want to poop on you.

Blaine: I’ll always get my $ back. That’s why I’m the ‘shilling master.’

Ms. Russell: What’s a pound?

Kai: In my head it’s 12 shillings.

Kevin: In my head it’s 20 shillings.

Nick: In my head it’s a whole lot o’ broccoli.

Henry: I can’t wait for what we’re doing right now.

Mr. Barokas: I’m the wolf, I’m gonna huff, and I’m gonna puff,

(DEEP BREATH)

And I’m gonna use keys to get the door open.

Ms. Russell: Weston, how did you learn to be so goofy?

Weston: From you.

Ryan: What is the difference between my left and right hand?

Daniel: You’re holding a pencil.

Kai, while playing bookworm: And if you use a five letter word, you get another ‘gentile.’

(he meant “gem tile”)

Weston: ‘Girl’ is a metal. I have a ring made out of ‘girl’.

Ms. Russell: Your response should be ‘thank you, Your Majesty.”

Serena: I know, I’m thinking.

Emma: Take it like you would a wounded dove, then SNAP its neck!

Jessica B.: I have a dance to go to this song.

Ms. Russell, gesturing toward her spacious classroom: Are you going to do it for us?

Jessica B.: There’s not enough room.

Miles: “How does a worm swim?”

Miles: I thought this was the third day of the rest of our lives.

Miles: Ms. Russell, is Kerfuffle the stuff that builds up behind my ears?

In writing conferences…

Ms. Russell: And what are you best at?

Justin: Math.

Yusuf: I made a secret door in my house.

Cole: Really? How does it open?

Yusuf: You just push it.

Kevin, right before Discovery: Get ready for freedom!

Mr. Barokas: The plural of mouse is mice. But what’s goose?

Phoebe: Gice.

Aliya: Gentle hunters?! Does that mean we get to knock out deer with boxing gloves?

Ms. Russell to class: Why are you all still here?

Jacob: It’s only 3:25, Ms. Russell.

Aliya: Last night my mom was badgering me to do my homework, and for some reason, it worked.

Jessica B. when she’s excited: I’m bleeding! I’m bleeding!

Lily: Well, Jessica’s sure happy. Finally.

Mr. Lui: Which plants didn’t grow?

Aliya: These two. This one and barley.

Mr. Lui: And the other one?

Aliya: Water.

Yusuf: My writing prompt this week is going to all the ways you can pop popcorn.

Weston: Ms. Russell is a trained professional. She knows how to count.

Vivian: It’s funny enough.

Ms. Russell: Jessica, you did so well today.

Jessica: Whaddya mean?

Ms. Russell: I mean I didn’t have two requirements for you at all.

Jessica: Well, I wasn’t here very much.

Miles: What’s your favorite color of the alphabet? Mine’s December. 

Ms. Russell: You’re perfectly paired!

Yusuf: No, we’re perfectly impaired.

Vivian: You’re not making Ms. Russell want to keep us!

Reece: You need time to digest the book. Not literally of course.

Reece: The term humanities is kind of an oxymoron, because it’s part “human” and part “manatees.”

Owen: Mr. Barokas, what’s chronic pain?

Student: Chromic pain?

Phoebe: I’ll SHOW you!

Ms. Russell to students: How many of you were born in January through June?

Douglas: You mean this year?

Ms. Russell to Douglas: Were you born this year?

Douglas: Oh, born! I thought you said ‘bored.’

Abby: Ms. Russell, may I borrow a brown wig?

Ms. Russell: Abby, your hair is brown.

Abby: Oh, okay. Thank you.

Ms. Russell: Unfortunately, we didn’t get to Taverns today.

Corey (in a truly sympathetic voice): That’s okay, Ms. Russell.

Ms. Russell: I’m easy to confuse.

Quinn: Apparently.

Douglas: You’re not allowed to make money bets at school…so BOOM chaka laka!

Amanda: Hmmm…is that blood?

Douglas: Oh, mercy.

Alena: There goes your turkey.

Corey: Great! All I need now is a sword and a Panini!

Logan: I’m so happy, Ms. Russell.

Ms. Russell: Why’s that, Logan?

Logan: Well, first of all, you don’t need a reason.

Cat: I teach the student, not the material.

Jessica N.: Just a warning, Ms. Russell. Don’t open up your suggestion box unless you’re in a really good mood.

Jessica B.: My person lives with a doily over her head.

Jessica N.: Maybe it is her head.

Reece: I just got a haircut. It doesn’t mean I don’t exist.

After Living History Museum, in which Sanjay was Harry Houdini…

Clara: I wanted to see Sanjay escape.

Emerson (dryly): I was next to him. I saw it like 40 times.

Logan: Garrett, here’s your brain. I found it in my desk.

Weston: I’m going to be a pickpocket and look inside.

Daniel: Well, you can’t be a very good pickpocket if you already told us.

Clara: You can’t guess if you die.

Ms. Russell: I’m looking for a word that rhymes with “fickle.”

All students but one: Pickle!

Jessica B. (grimly): Sickle 

Justin: For the advice column, I’m going to write, “Do everyone a favor and wear a bag over your head!”

Lucas: I want to be referee because it makes me feel important.

Lucas: I have a bad habit of swallowing the wax.

Ava: We should play “tutorial.”

Rayhan: Why are you so creeped out by my presence?

Rayhan: Will someone comfort me?

Master Russell: Here’s my version, which is even better than Shakespeare’s.

Ethan: We’re lying very professionally.

Ms. Russell: Jessica, you did very well today.

Jessica: Whaddya mean?

Ms. Russell: I mean I barely had to reprimand you at all.

Jessica: Well, I wasn’t here very much.

When finding things in common with Madam Russell…

Olivia: Who else besides Madam Russell names their outfits?

Ben: I do. This one’s called “Carl.”

Ms. Russell: My family’s motto is “virtue without stain.”

Arya: Yeah, I don’t think you’re going to live up to that.

Ms. Russell: Why are you late?

Caleb: I was washing my pudding.

Rayhan: I find great comfort from standing in the corner.

Simar: In Brain Rules we learned that the brain forgets 90% of what we learn instantly.

Ava: We did?

Sam: I want a bunny, but my mom said no because I’m already getting a dog.

Anni: You could call the dog “Bunny.”

Luke: Is this “parent dangerous” or actually dangerous?

Logan - We all have our inner Mango Mamas.

Samantha: Practice this morning was “meh” because I had to swim with the chumps.

Stella: My greatest worry is time management and my greatest joy was the hours I spent watching the fish tank.

Olivia: Can I give Logan words of support about being a jerk?

Ms. Russell: Lucy, in the parent-teacher-student conference, do you want to take the lead or do you want me to do it?

Lucy: I want my mom to take the lead.

Master Russell: If I can teach any of you societal grace by the end of the year –

Nate (clearly offended): I have plenty of societal grace!

Master Russell: The fact that you have to say that signifies the exact opposite.

Nate: Societyal grace is a cocial construct.

Quincy (doing the Jedi mind trick): this is not the society you’re looking for.

Osthada Russell: explaining for the millionth time about the ten steps in the African Portfolio: How many steps are there?

Stella: 12!

Teddy: Hygiene if for chumps.

Stella: I just want to be me and not care if my pants are backward.

Sena: Napping is a fine art.

Finn: Children’s brains are sponges. Adult brains are bricks.

Sage: I just learned some very unsavory things from the eighth-graders.

Teddy: My hobby is hanging out with my friends. Oh, and I like being right.

Stella: Teddy needs to re-read Habit 3. He nees to know that school comes before learning the lyrics to Oh, Canada.

Russell: Did people who watched the TED Talk three times do it just so they could answer “thrice”?

Teddy: Mayhaps.

Teddy it's not a tent it's a pavilion 

Amber you need something bendy like an ankle.

Ms. Russell: Everyone collects something.

Student: I collect antique text books.

Max: I collect dirt.

Anna: Chairs cause cancer.

Olivia: It’s worth it.

Ibu Robin: Is that gum on the floor?

Sarah S.: A bomb?!?!

Eli: I hate Tuesdays.

Ibu Robin: Did I ever tell you that I wrote a book called, The Town of Tuesdays?

Eli: That town must have sucked.

“The Bering Sea is North Right.”

Em: A kid named “Southeast Asia” would have a hard life.

Madam Russell: It’s not an 8.95. It’s an 8.9.

Anna: We can dream.

Student 1: Don’t worry. My mom yells and screams at me every day.

Student 2: I thought you said she cried.

Student 1: Yeah, she does that after.

Elle: I’m sad because my mom took my phone.

Marcus: To play games?

Raymond: It’s not a rebuttal. It’s a clarifiquation.

Nikki (as a police officer): Sorry. I’m afraid I’ll still have to ticket you for murder.

Nikki: You can have it after it’s been filtered through my gut.

Ben (to Dylan): You’re less approachable when you wear a box.

Ms. Russell (to Ben Gallop): Good morning, Ben! Are you galloping this morning.

Ben (dryly): I wouldn’t say that.

Ms. Russell: That’s why Elle is pretty much the Queen of AL.

Student: What’s AL?

Ms. Russell: Active Listening

Elle: Wait, what did you say about me?

Eli: They taste like the color brown.

Stella (visibly upset): All I did was put pretty pictures on pretty paper!

Olivia (to Ayush as they were both impressed by the man who climbs Cougar Mountain every morning): Wow. I couldn’t do that. Half-way up and I’d be like, “Okay, I need a muffin.”

Elle: Ben should go first. He has pretzels.

Elle: Now that the eighth-graders aren’t here, I  feel like I  can wear pajamas.

Nikki: Bad wrenches make good stories.

Em: Target is like poison ivy. It spreads everywhere.

Kamie: Trail Mix is M & Ms with obstacles.

Em: Ms. Russell, you smell good.

Ms. Russell: Why, thank you, Em.

Em: Yeah. Like onion rings.

Nicholas: If I find out the teachers ate my gelato, there’s going to be trouble.

Elle: I couldn’t sleep last night because my pillow smelled like pancakes.

Em: You know how they have rules of war? Don’t you think the first rule should be, “Don’t have war”?

Ben: Why would we sneak out of the hotel? Is there a bar?

Quentin: Frau Russell, I think you’ll understand the nuances of our presentation if you pay attention.

During Ms. Russell’s dialogue lesson…

Ms. Russell: When you are writing your book and one character says, “I like pie” and you say, “So do I and blah blah blah…"

“Ms. Russell, are you sure this book will sell?” Elizabeth asks dubiously.

Annabelle: Ms. Russell, you have a boat stuck to you.

Ms. Russell: Good morning, Jakob!

Jakob: Thank you.

Annabelle: How do you take apart a body?

Priyanka: And then she gave it to me. It was a hand-me-over!

Daniel: Does anyone have a timer? I want to see how long until this conversation falls apart.

Ms. Russell: It’s a well.

Eli: A well? I thought it was a guillotine with a really deep hole for the head.

Ayush: Ms. Russell, if you whisper across the room, it’s not considered whispering.

Daniela: I was a demon but I like pork chops. 

Eli: Ms. Russell, can we throw people off the ship?

Ms. Russell: no

Eli: aww… May we?

Will: I have Razor Blades in my ear because my cat barfed on my Spanish. 

Ashley: I hated being in that situation, because I don’t really like to help somehow.

During Ms. Russell’s dialogue lesson…

Ms. Russell: When you are writing your book and one character says, “I like pie” and you say, “So do I and blah blah blah…"

“Ms. Russell, are you sure this book will sell?” Elizabeth asks dubiously.

Annabelle: Ms. Russell, you have a boat stuck to you.

Ms. Russell: Good morning, Jakob!

Jakob: Thank you.

Annabelle: How do you take apart a body?

Priyanka: And then she gave it to me. It was a hand-me-over!

Daniel: Does anyone have a timer? I want to see how long until this conversation falls apart.

Ms. Russell: It’s a well.

Eli: A well? I thought it was a guillotine with a really deep hole for the head.

Ayush: Ms. Russell, if you whisper across the room, it’s not considered whispering.

Daniela: I was a demon but I like pork chops.

Ms. Russell: Christopher, come here child.

 Christopher: Yes, Elder.

Ms. Russell: If you could rename yourself anything, what would it be?

Kamie: Madison.

Will: Venison?

Eli: Ms. Russell, can we throw people off the ship?

Ms. Russell: No.

Eli: Aww…May we?

Will: I have Razor Blades in my ear because my cat barfed on my Spanish.

Cat: I’m so proud of you guys. You did very well during that Fancy Restaurant session.

Seth: Oh, that was Fancy Restaurant?

Audrey: It’s really hard. My little thumbs can’t take it.

Ms. Russell: And remember to chew your food three times.

Jakob: Even applesauce?

Elena: I want to be a supermodel in my coffin.

Ms. Russell: Have you decided what type of colony you would like to be?

Priyanka: We want to be a successful colony!

Annabelle: You have a lot of papers.

Ms. Russell: You’re telling me!

Annabelle: Uh, I am telling you.

Ayana: Don’t worry, Ms. Russell. We love you too. We just love Mr. Saltz more.

Ms. Russell: Jakob, if I had more energy I’d take your laptop away for not having it in your case.

Jakob: Sigh…Ms. Russell, if I had more energy it would be in its case.

Ms. Russell: I apologize for both my disdain and my skepticism.

Carter (muttering to himself): I need to remember those words.

Max,

Stop putting your stuff in my desk!!!!! Put it in your seat sack!!!!!

- The owner of this desk.

Okay, Nikki…maybe…

Ashley: I hated being in that situation, because I don’t really like to help somehow.

Olivia: Right now, Isabel is probably thinking ‘I told you so.’

Isabel (dryly): I am.

Ms. Russell (singing): Did you ever know that you’re my hero?

Caroline: Yes – you told me yesterday.

Olivia: But I’ve changed Olivia World.

Daniela: I just want there to be peace! I only want to destroy Kamie’s colony because they’re the weakest.

Isabel: Ms. Russell, I’m always available to do your dirty work.

Daniela: Yay! Everyone can feel my greatness!

Kamie: Ms. Russell, you have my favorite soup – if you take out the vegetables.

Ms. Russell: Oh, so just meat and broth.

Kamie: Yes, but without the meat.

Will: There’s no one here.

Ms. Russell: Excuse me?

Will: Oh, I only saw Carter.

Ms. Russell: What part of speech is “the”?

Dylan: An article

Jakob: A barnacle?

Ms. Russell: Great question, Daniela. It’s the first time I’ve ever been asked that.

Students: What was?

Ms. Russell: How I got to be so beautiful, intelligent and funny.

Frances (incredulously): You mean no one’s ever asked you that?

Olivia: Amazing!

During Discovery, in response to Ms. Russell’s suggestion (which would have made the process easier)…

Anna: Ms. Russell, we have a system that works.

 Will: Dr. Oz says that eating boogers is good for you.

Ms. McCarrey: Dr. Oz is a hack with a silly name.

Ms. Russell: Ayush, who’s in charge of your artistic control?

Ayush: Frances?

Ms. Russell: It’s just that today has been so long, and I’m ready for it to be over.

Will: Why were you looking right at me when you said that?

Kamie: Every time I laugh, milk comes out of my nose!

Will: Well, don’t point toward me!

Ayana: This is a really hard peach.

Will (dryly): Ayana, that’s a pear.

Eli: Ms. Russell, what’s the meaning of life?

Ms. Russell: 42.

Eli: Awww.

Ms. Russell: I’ve been around for a long time, Eli.

Eli (grumbling): I can tell.

Will: Experience. It’s my least favorite gift.

Ms. Russell: Don’t do that to your book. It breaks the binding and the Book Fairies will come and gouge out your eyeballs.

Katie: I love fairies!

Isabel (growling): Olivia, go get your bunny.

Carter: Gannon feels disgraced and despondent because he doesn’t have a thingy.

When filling out self-evaluations for conferences…

Carter: Ms. Russell, what does “extends ideas” mean?

Ms. Russell: It means you’re a deep thinker.

Jakob: Whoops.

Ms. Russell: Here’s the riddle. When you make it, you make it singing. When you buy it, you buy it crying. When you use it, you do not see it.

Olivia: Make it crying? A baby?

When discussing Egyptian mummies…

Annabelle: I’d hate to be unwrapped by a stranger.

Isabel: It was the second month of October.

Frances: Priyanka, you’re not the only person in the world who can wake up early.

Anna: I don’t remember what I would die for.

Jake: That’s because you were in Pittsburg.

Ayana: If I ever become a zombie…

Ayush: May I have a timer? Preferably one I can see?

Ms. McCarrey: Kamie, do you need help?

Kamie: I need stairs!

Elle: Ms. Russell, can we embellish our resume?

Ms. Russell: No. That’s lying.

Elle: May we?

Camille: I’m getting an average of five hours of sleep a night and it’s making me angry and dumb.

Student: What’s another quote of Benjamin Franklin?

Kamie: Hello, my name is Benjamin Franklin.

Ayana: Sun Tzu is Chinese.

Ms. Russell: He’s not anything now.

Ayana: Yup. Just dirt.

Carter: But…Chinese dirt.

Ms. Russell: Now, the patriots are using mother nature to slow Burgoyne down, but he isn’t helping matters with all of the stuff he’s bringing – including something completely useless.

Student: Beer?

Student: Rum?

Will: A banjo?

Elle: Ms. Russell, you’re the one in charge. Frances, move forward.

During Economics, lesson about customer satisfaction…

Ms. Russell: And what might people do that would dissatisfy customers?

Regan: Spit on them.

Christopher: I thought kids weren’t supposed to go to the event, but my mom said I should. Then they started serving cocktails.

Danny: My mom told me that I have a crack in my butt and that if I didn’t bring home my book-club book, she’d give me another one.

The next day…

Danny: I forgot to bring home my book, but my mom couldn’t catch me.

Daniela: Did you know that you have more taste buds than restaurants in LA?

Kamie: I didn’t know restaurants had taste buds.

Ian: Your eyelashes are beautiful, Jameson.

Jameson: Oh yeah, Ian? What else about me is beautiful?

Madam Russell: Keating is that a light bulb?

Keating: No. It’s me.

After finding out that Daniel’s 1000 words was outdone by Frances’ 3000 words…

Max: Don’t worry, Daniel. Frances is in Seventh Grade.

Daniel: I’m in Seventh Grade.

Seth: I’m always sometimes open.

Eli: Elle, you need to keep up with your homework, not the Kardashians.

Em: I asked my parents if, when I was old enough to get married, they would set me up and they said they didn’t know anyone.

Dylan: Are you getting all your science from iFunny?

Ms. Russell: Eli, what on Earth are you doing.

Eli (sheepishly): Looking at pictures of toast.

Seth: If your life was a movie, what would it be rated?

Student: I always find the weirdest things in my hood at the end of the day.

Ms. Russell: Olivia, where were you during tutorial?

Olivia: Math. I wrote it on the board. Oh – I spelled it wrong. I forgot the “M.”

Dylan: The strangest things I found on my pillow last night were my lost hopes and admirations. I haven’t had those for a while.

Eli: I’m so glad I’m staying at my dad’s tonight so I don’thave to embarrass myself by asking my mom to take me to Target to buy lube.

SarahS: I’m allergic to apples.

Olivia: Really?
SarahS: Yeah. If I eat anything with apple in it, I get really grumpy and start yelling at everyone.

SarahS: What’s your favorite color of yoyo?

Ms. Russell: Ben, every time you run in the hall, a puppy dies.

Ben: I hope it’s not mine!

Elle: I’m not scared of Ebola. Ebola is scared of me.

Ms. Russell: It’s rude to sleep in a meeting.

OliviaM: Not if you do it with your eyes open.

Eli: Dark black is really cool.

Maia: Introverts work best when—

Evelyn: They’re alone in their basement.

Makenna: I wake up every day to my rooster crowing?

Jacob: Why is your rooster crying?

Osthada Russell: Max, are you excited about our trip?

Max: I guess. As long as I don’t have to get R—O—W—D—I—E.

Makenna: Does this look like a chicken?

Jacob: It looks like a palm tree.

Max: I’m the skinniest one here. I can count all my ribs. How do you think I passed the bones test in PE?

Nate: Ms. Russell, we’re like the US and Britain. Now that I’m liberated from you, we get along fine.

Elsa: Should I put the circus on speed dial?

Justin: Before it was “R” and now it’s “NC-17,” so your name is actually NC-17obin NC-17ussell.

Jack: It’s because she was so engrossed with us.

Ela: Maybe she was just grossed.

Ved: I don’t want to write my outline in cat poop because I don’t have a cat and I don’t want to use poop from someone else’s cat.

Jack: It was an authentic experience and I absolutely hated it.

Mick: How many mugs do you have, Ms. Russell?

Jacob (vehemently): Too many? Not enough? 8?

After Ben makes a joke about Ms. Russell’s room being a garbage can, Ms. Russell: Oh, look at Mr. Saucy Pants

Rasan: You better put some real pants on, Ben, because sauce is affected by gravity!

Jack: Just like the capital of Niger, “Fletcher” is not my Niamey.

Oliver: Ms. Russell, where do you see yourself in five years. Do you think you’ll still be teaching at My Open Window?

Ben: The least you could have done was use propaganda.

Because everything in the synergy jar is something others see as useless, but we agree it has value and a purpose, Max: I’ll put Jacob in the synergy jar to give him a purpose.

Evan: Can you vote twice for the same person?

Ms. Russell: No.

Evan: Dang it! Can you vote three times?

Jacob: Here is a scroll of every man thought fit to play in front of the ducks—dukes! Dukes.

Ms. Russell: It’s a hot mess over here!

Makenna: At least it’s hot.

Makenna: It’s the first time I’ve made the quote wall for something not related to chickens!

Chelsea: I need something to throw at Jacob so I feel better.

Ms. Russell: I’m the least bribable and blackmailable person I know.

Nirekh: Yeah. You seem like the kind of person who would blackmail someone else.

Evelyn: He didn’t speak truth to power. He yelled it.

Frau Russell: I’m open to suggestions and I’m willing to break the law.

Dylan: Can I be next to atrophy?